Happy Birthday to Me

Thirty-six years ago today, I was born at Crittenden Memorial Hospital in West Memphis, Arkansas.

I'm not doing anything special to celebrate my birthday. 36 isn't a special number or a milestone birthday. I'm not excited about being a year older. I'm officially in my mid-30s and I don't like it one bit. In my teens and 20s, I looked forward to celebrating my birthday. I would start making birthday announcements weeks before my birthday. The tide turned when I was 29, getting ready to turn 30. Turning 30 crept up on me. I spotted my first gray hair right before my 30th birthday. I wasn't ready mentally to turn 30. But I didn't have a choice. Time wasn't going to wait for me to prepare myself. I decided to celebrate turning 30 in style. Went to Vegas for a long weekend with friends and partied the entire weekend. It was the best.

I started being okay with being in my early 30s. I was still young. I didn't look my age. I felt great. And then 35 hit. Boom! I felt like I was headed down a slippery slope. I wanted to celebrate turning 35 in style - I wanted to go back to Vegas with friends. Things didn't turn out quite the way I had planned. Vegas trip was scrapped; no one could go. So I decided on Atlantic City. It's within driving distance and it could be an overnight trip. Well, I went to Atlantic City but it was only me and Alfred. I had a decent time but it wasn't the all out party weekend like I had in Vegas.

Thirty-five was an important birthday for me. There were things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'd turned 35. I wanted to have lost the weight I'd gained after having Darrius. I was supposed to have lost this weight back when I turned 30 but that didn't happen. I wanted to have made a career change. I had decided that if I wasn't pregant or in the process of getting pregnant by the time I turned 35, I wasn't going to have anymore kids. I always thought I didn't want anymore kids and the cut-off age was just for show. My decision had already been made a long time ago. But now, here I am, 36 years old, and wondering if that was the best decision. Thanks to medicine and science, I could still have a baby at this age, but do I want to? I sometimes regret that Darrius doesn't have a sibling. Having a brother growing up was great even though we fought all the time. But that's why siblings do. Darrius asks for a little brother or sister now. I can't imagine having an 11 year old and an infant. The age gap....

This birthday I'm feeling reflective and a little melancholy. I don't like getting older. I am going to fight getting older every step of the way. I'm going to continue to color my hair to hide the gray. I will continue to be on the lookout for crows feet and wrinkles. I don't think I'd ever go as far as to get Botox or plastic surgery. That's not my style. But I do intend on trying to keep my youthful appearance for as long as possible without looking like those women on Real Housewives of Orange County. They just take it too damn far!

I'm going to not try to feel sorry for myself on this special day. I feel blessed. I'm alive to see another year. I have a great husband and wonderful son. I have the love and support of my family. And even though it's not my dream job, I have a job that I'm good at and provides a steady paycheck. So it's not all bad. It just gets harder for me each year to feel happy about turning a year older. Maybe once I turn 40, it will be different. BTW - I am not looking forward to turning 40. :-)