How did I get here?

I know that I was supposed to post regularly about losing weight and all that good stuff. Well, of course I didn't do it. I was hoping that during my blogging absence I'd be able to come back and say ta-da! Look at me! I've lost weight! Well that's a negative. If anything, I feel like my body HATES me! I don't eat like a maniac. I'm not one of those people you see on TLC who eats 10,000 calories a day. I eat like a normal person. But my body doesn't seem to get that. It holds onto every single calorie I take in. I've been to the doctors. No, I don't have a thyroid issue.  I wish I did cause at least I'd know what the problem was. I *thought* I knew my body. When I'm not working out consistently, I know how many calories I need to consume to maintain my weight. Well, I've been eating the maintaining calories and I am gaining weight! I'll readily admit that I hate the gym and the idea of working out makes me cringe. I do know that in order to lose weight, it's not all about the diet. I have to exercise. So if I was mainintaining my weight, I'd be fine because I know to lose, I need to workout and eat the same, if not increase my caloric intake. But to be eating within my limits and to still be gaining weight?!?!? That is completely and utterly unacceptable to me.

Now I feel disgusting and nasty. I've gotten to the point where I don't like taking pictures because I know I'm going to look like a beached whale. Saturday we went to a friend's cookout. Everyone was taking pictures. I was hoping to avoid being caught on camera. No such look. So here I am; fat, hot, sweaty.

That's me on the left, in the "slimming" black t-shirt. Who am I foolin? I don't know why my thighs look so freakin big! They're not. I guess it's a bad angle. Or maybe I'm delusional.

I had planned on starting the South Beach Diet today anyway because I figured I needed something to jump start my weight loss. But seeing this picture on Facebook (which I untagged cause I don't want anyone looking at it) has renewed my vigor. I can't go through the rest of my life looking like this and be happy with it. I'm not happy with it! I will be turning 40 in two years. I want to be 40 and FABULOUS. Not 40 and FAT! I am 5'1" and I weigh over 200lbs. GAH! I can't believe I just spilled the beans on my weight. *sigh* But I needed to acknowledge the number so that I can now move away from it. 

So can I get back to this? When I was 20 lbs lighter almost two years ago? I still had some semblance of a waist. That's what I miss the most. I had awesome abs and toned thighs. I want them back!

Or this? When I was 120 and had actual muscles and definition?

My first goal is to get to picture number one. It's about baby steps; setting small goals so that you don't get discouraged.

My goal for this week: Workout 3 times this week. Doesn't mean I'm actually going to the gym. The weather is going to be beautiful this week - high 70s. So I will be taking some, if not all, my walks outside. I still need to incorporate strength training because building muscle helps rev up your metabolism.

I do want to get back to running. I'm hoping once I've lost the first 10 - 15 pounds I can get back to it.

I will be tracking my progress. I need to hold myself accountable. So I'm going to start posting updates every Monday about how the previous week went.

Wish me luck!

Rantings of a S.A.D. person

This rant was spurred on by a bad hair day, a bad skin day compounded with cold weather and the threat of more snow not once but twice this week.

As many of you know, I am not a fan of cold weather. I hate winter and all that comes with it. Last year, I was in serious winter funk and decided that I wouldn't let winter get me down this year. I knew that it was more than a winter "funk" and diagnosed myself with S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder -a form of mild depression due to changes in the season). The internet is a wonderful thing. All of my symptons matched that of a person suffering from it. I did some research and found out that for people that suffer from a mild case of SAD taking a Vitamin D supplement and buying a SAD lamp (artificial sunlight therapy). I started taking the Vitamin D  and it seemed to be working. I don't have the lamp but after the last couple of days I've been having, I think I'm going to need one. Over the weekend we got a little snow - around 4 inches. Not too bad. It didn't cripple the DMV like the 20+ inches we got in December. Before we got the latest batch of snow, it was on the 50s. It was so nice. And then POW! back to the 30s and then snow. Yeah, big change. We went from spring-like weather back to winter in the blink of an eye. Mother Nature is such a tease.

Yesterday (Monday) was an awful, awful day. I don't know if it was a case of the Mondays or if the Vitamin D pills have stopped working.  I was having a bad hair day, bad skin day, bad outfit day. I had a terrible night that woke me up and it took me a while to go back to sleep. I ended up oversleeping. When I walked outside, it was cold and icy. I slipped a couple of times walking to my car. Then I had to scrape ice off my car. I was wearing the wrong boots so my feet got wet because I had to stand in unmelted snow to scrape the ice off the passenger side windows. By the time I got to work, I wanted to close my office door and cry. But unfortunately, my office mate showed up so I didn't have the luxury of giving in to my mini-breakdown. I don't think I said one word to anyone yesterday. I went to the mall during my lunch break and bought a couple of books and had Chik-fil-A for lunch. That helped a bit. Other than the trip to the mall, I stayed in my little corner of my world and waited for 4:30 so that I could go home.

Today's Tuesday and I'm still feeling like crap. More snow today and into tomorrow. I heard that we're getting even more snow this weekend. And it could be a doozy. I hate winter. I feel like I'm being held hostage by the weather. I feel like I can't do anything that requires me to step outside my front door. I'm at the point where when it's sunny, it doesn't help my mood. If the temp is less than 45 degrees, I feel terrible. I need warmth, heat. No amount of layering is going to provide that.  I don't understand people who love winter. I look at them like they're crazy. What's to like? Having dry, itchy skin? You have to bathe in lotion so that you aren't scratching inappropriately throughout the day. Forget having good hair days because any cute style hair you had leaving the house is now flattened by your winter hat. Pale, sallow skin that you can't add a hint of color to because your face is so dry and flaky that wearing makeup exacerbates the problem? And let's not get into trying to navigate around snow, ice, unplowed streets and terrible drivers. Oh yeah, winter is just wonderful!

To get through the rest of this atrocity called Winter, I'm going to buy the sun lamp and double up on my Vitamin D pills. I'm going to do whatever I can to distract me from the misery of this weather.

The bears have it right. I wish I could hibernate through winter. I would find a nice, cozy cave and hang a side that would read: Do Not Wake Until Spring.