Yep! I'm still here

I can't believe it's been almost a year since my last post. A lot has happened and on the flip side, not much has changed. Since my June 13th post, I became the mother of a teenager. Yikes! It's been stressful, trying and sometimes I look at my son and think, "that is not the kid I gave birth to." So far I haven't killed him or caused bodily harm. I've been showing great restraint and patience.

Don't let the cute face fool ya

In September, my maternal grandmother passed away. It hit me hard. I mean really hard. She was my last surviving grandparent. She's the one that gave me my name. It still hurts but I know that she is in a better place. Always, the up side to a death in the family is that family comes together. It was great seeing all of my uncles, aunts and cousins. We are scattered all over the country and don't get to see each other as much as we should. With the death of my grandmother, we all made a vow to not let so much time go by without visiting whether it be in a central location or whatever.

The weight struggle continues on. I went to my Gyno at the end of last year and I didn't gain any weight! Woo hoo! But I hadn't lost any either. Boo. So right now, I am using the internet to help me with my weight loss. I'm using the Lose It! app to track my calories and workouts. Thanks to Pinterest, I discovered the workout jar. You put $1 in the jar for every time you workout. Once you get up to $100, you buy yourself a treat. I'm at $15 and I started the Workout Jar back in February. LOL! Baby steps. I have been consistent with tracking my food. Now I just need to do that with working out. Now that the weather is nice, it won't be too much of a hardship going to the gym (I hope). And I have decided to not let anything or anyone get in my way of getting to the gym. I'm putting myself first. Everyone else can wait.

A friend of mine (ex co-worker), Felicia, was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago and she passed away last month. She fought the entire way. She didn't let the diagnosis or the treatment slow her down. She wasn't sure if she would have a little or a lot of time left so she did everything she wanted to do but had always put on the back burner. She traveled to Europe, visited New Orleans. She had her own bucket-list that she was determined to fulfill. I admire her so. damn. much. And I learned so much from her. Life is too damn short. Live it. Love it. Enjoy it.

That's how I want to live my life. Not everyday will be a great day or even an ok day. But I am going to be appreciative that I am alive to LIVE another day. The one thing Felicia taught me was that we should treat our bodies like a temple. She was into holistic, natural remedies and products and fitness. She was a runner and was trying to get me to start running. Thanks to her, I've started making my own products -- facial cleanser, body scrub, hair treatments. It's cheaper, better for you and you actually know what you're using on your body. My husband is on the same healthier living kick. He is about to turn 41 and he does not want to get the "Whitmore belly" as he calls it. So we as a family have cut back sugar, processed foods, red meat. We do allow ourselves to cheat because you still want to have that nice steak for dinner and that yummy cheesecake for dessert. But we are more cognizant of what we're putting into our body. Like I  told my husband, I don't want to be 50 and taking a bunch of meds to be able to function and get through the day. No sir, that will not be me!

Hopefully this won't be my last post for another 10 months. I will be getting back to being more consistent. We're actually going on vacation this summer to Aruba! (That's another motivator for getting my ass in shape). I will be detailing my journey through life. Some of it may be boring, some may be interesting but either way, I can guarantee I will find a way to make it funny!

How did I get here?

I know that I was supposed to post regularly about losing weight and all that good stuff. Well, of course I didn't do it. I was hoping that during my blogging absence I'd be able to come back and say ta-da! Look at me! I've lost weight! Well that's a negative. If anything, I feel like my body HATES me! I don't eat like a maniac. I'm not one of those people you see on TLC who eats 10,000 calories a day. I eat like a normal person. But my body doesn't seem to get that. It holds onto every single calorie I take in. I've been to the doctors. No, I don't have a thyroid issue.  I wish I did cause at least I'd know what the problem was. I *thought* I knew my body. When I'm not working out consistently, I know how many calories I need to consume to maintain my weight. Well, I've been eating the maintaining calories and I am gaining weight! I'll readily admit that I hate the gym and the idea of working out makes me cringe. I do know that in order to lose weight, it's not all about the diet. I have to exercise. So if I was mainintaining my weight, I'd be fine because I know to lose, I need to workout and eat the same, if not increase my caloric intake. But to be eating within my limits and to still be gaining weight?!?!? That is completely and utterly unacceptable to me.

Now I feel disgusting and nasty. I've gotten to the point where I don't like taking pictures because I know I'm going to look like a beached whale. Saturday we went to a friend's cookout. Everyone was taking pictures. I was hoping to avoid being caught on camera. No such look. So here I am; fat, hot, sweaty.

That's me on the left, in the "slimming" black t-shirt. Who am I foolin? I don't know why my thighs look so freakin big! They're not. I guess it's a bad angle. Or maybe I'm delusional.

I had planned on starting the South Beach Diet today anyway because I figured I needed something to jump start my weight loss. But seeing this picture on Facebook (which I untagged cause I don't want anyone looking at it) has renewed my vigor. I can't go through the rest of my life looking like this and be happy with it. I'm not happy with it! I will be turning 40 in two years. I want to be 40 and FABULOUS. Not 40 and FAT! I am 5'1" and I weigh over 200lbs. GAH! I can't believe I just spilled the beans on my weight. *sigh* But I needed to acknowledge the number so that I can now move away from it. 

So can I get back to this? When I was 20 lbs lighter almost two years ago? I still had some semblance of a waist. That's what I miss the most. I had awesome abs and toned thighs. I want them back!

Or this? When I was 120 and had actual muscles and definition?

My first goal is to get to picture number one. It's about baby steps; setting small goals so that you don't get discouraged.

My goal for this week: Workout 3 times this week. Doesn't mean I'm actually going to the gym. The weather is going to be beautiful this week - high 70s. So I will be taking some, if not all, my walks outside. I still need to incorporate strength training because building muscle helps rev up your metabolism.

I do want to get back to running. I'm hoping once I've lost the first 10 - 15 pounds I can get back to it.

I will be tracking my progress. I need to hold myself accountable. So I'm going to start posting updates every Monday about how the previous week went.

Wish me luck!

So what's next?

Now that I'm all about a New Me for 2011, what exactly do I want for the "New Me"? Obviously the major goal is to lose weight. But what else? There are a lot of things that I want to improve upon and they are not all physical. Back in 2008, I wrote a post titled "9 Goals for 2009". This list included 9 things that I wanted to cross off my to-do list. Out of the 9, I think I accomplished two. LOL! Some of the items on the list are still things that I want to accomplish, like run in a 5k race.

I am a pessimist at heart and that is one thing that I really want to change. I am quick to be negative or see the negative side of things. My justification? I don't want to be disappointed. So the best thing to do is to think that something's not going to happen so that if it doesn't, the let down is easier. I need to stop doing that. For the next 4 weeks I am going to make a conscious effort to stop being a Debbie Downer. It's not going to be easy. Old habits die hard. But I'm going to try my best.

We've all experienced that point in our lives where we feel like we looked our best. For me, that time was the summer/fall before I got pregnant with D. I was the smallest I'd been in a long time. I weighed 123 lbs and was wearing a size 6. I was working out twice a day and eating healthy. I loved the way my body looked and I was working hard for it. Is it my goal to get back down to 120lbs? No. It would be nice but I know my body has completely changed since having a child and being over 30. My metabolism is on an extended vacation. My goal weight is 130/135. Why that? When I was in college, I had gained the college 15. So when I left college, I weighed around 140-145 lbs. At that weight, I had the one thing that I can't stand - back fat. I abhor it! Can't stand it! Don't want it! May seem petty but that's how I feel. Thanks to my weight gain I have more back fat than I can handle and I'm sick and tired of it. So I know I won't be happy until the back fat is gone!

The pictures below is when I felt my best, 1997 (wow that's a long time ago). Vacationing in the Bahamas, I wore a string bikini for the first time EVER! I haven't worn one since.

I don't know if you can see it clearly in the pic, but I had awesome muscle definition in my thighs. I got that through hours upon hours of spinning.

Halloween (obviously). These jeans were tight as hell! But I had no muffin top, no spill-over. Nothing. I felt good in them.

Those were the good old days or as I like to call them, B.D (before Darrius). I'm going to use these pictures to keep me motivated. These pictures were taken at a time where I was at my healthiest and at my physical best.

The plan is to get back to that place again.

New Year, New Me.

Happy New Year! I know, I know! We're 15 days into the New Year already. Better late than never right? So far 2011 has been good to me. Can't complain. It's only been 15 days, right?  Sorry I haven't been posting here often. My book blog has absolutely consumed what little free time that I have. I'm going to try to post more frequently this year. I promise.

For 2011, I've decided that this will be the year of ME! Last year, I seriously slacked off on taking care of myself - physically, mentally, emotionally. With Alfred being busy with his new business, I was pretty much a single parent last year. Everything was on my shoulders and I felt the full effects of it. Now that he sold his business (believe me that is a good thing) and is no longer working 14+ hours a day, I have the time to focus my energy on the most important person - ME. I had a doctor's appointment last month that made me take a hard look at myself. I'd gained 17 lbs in a year! That's a lot considering I'm only 5'1" and was already carrying around extra weight. I did not need another 17 lbs to add to it. I decided right then and there that this needs to stop. I'm about to turn 38 (yikes!) and my metabolism isn't getting any faster. This weight-gaining crap needs to be stopped in its tracks. So fast forward 3 1/2 weeks and I am finally at a place where I'm ready to stop talking and start doing.

I decided to track my progress on my personal blog. I plan on continuing to blog about family and random stuff (even though I haven't done much of that lately). I am quick to say that I am famous for starting things and not following through. I am the Queen of Not Following Through. Ask me if I've run a 5k yet. Guess what the answer is. A big fat NO. *sigh* So the 5k thing is back on my list also. I don't know what my problem is. I'm lazy, I get discouraged easily, I procrastinate like a mofo and I expect the weight to fall off after 1 week of exercising. I need to stop beating myself up and be realistic. It didn't take a month for this weight to appear and it's not going to take a month to lose it (unfortunately). There's no magic pill; only through exercise and diet will it finally come off.

So here's to a start of a new ME. Know this for sure, I plan on being selfish this year. I've neglected myself for far too long.

Join me on my journey to a new me!

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Doctor's Appointment - Insurance ain't sh!t

Today I went to the gyno for my annual woman's exam. I was a little late for the appointment even though they told me to show up 15 minutes early because I had to fill out new forms due to my insurance info having changed. After filling out the forms and returning them to the admin behind the plexi-glass, I went back to my seat. I pass the time by logging onto Twitter to see what I missed in the Twitterverse. A couple of minutes later I hear Plexi-glass Girl call my name. I walk up and she gives me my driver's license and insurance card. She then tells me that my co-pay for this visit is $30. WTF?!? Are you serious?? I was there for a normal exam. So I ask her why is it 30 bucks? Isn't this appointment considered a "wellness check?" Preventative care? Nope. She said the gyno is considered a specialist - that's why my co-pay is so high. What kind of crap is that? I've never had to pay that much for a coochie exam!

My previous insurance was Aetna. My new company doesn't offer Aetna; only Kaiser and BCBS. I knew there was no way in hell that I was going to choose Kaiser. I had Kaiser when I was in my 20s and had constant problems with them. Maybe they've gotten their act together since then but I wasn't willing to take that chance. With Aetna I was able to make my gyno my primary care physician. I guess that's how I was able to avoid the high ass co-payments. I guess BCBS doesn't have that option. Crap like this makes me NOT want to go to the doctor. Lucikly I am healthy and don't go to the doctor more than once or twice a year. I would hate to see what would happen if I actually got sick. So I handed her my debit card so that I could take care of my co-pay before my exam. This is some bullcrap!