How did I get here?

I know that I was supposed to post regularly about losing weight and all that good stuff. Well, of course I didn't do it. I was hoping that during my blogging absence I'd be able to come back and say ta-da! Look at me! I've lost weight! Well that's a negative. If anything, I feel like my body HATES me! I don't eat like a maniac. I'm not one of those people you see on TLC who eats 10,000 calories a day. I eat like a normal person. But my body doesn't seem to get that. It holds onto every single calorie I take in. I've been to the doctors. No, I don't have a thyroid issue.  I wish I did cause at least I'd know what the problem was. I *thought* I knew my body. When I'm not working out consistently, I know how many calories I need to consume to maintain my weight. Well, I've been eating the maintaining calories and I am gaining weight! I'll readily admit that I hate the gym and the idea of working out makes me cringe. I do know that in order to lose weight, it's not all about the diet. I have to exercise. So if I was mainintaining my weight, I'd be fine because I know to lose, I need to workout and eat the same, if not increase my caloric intake. But to be eating within my limits and to still be gaining weight?!?!? That is completely and utterly unacceptable to me.

Now I feel disgusting and nasty. I've gotten to the point where I don't like taking pictures because I know I'm going to look like a beached whale. Saturday we went to a friend's cookout. Everyone was taking pictures. I was hoping to avoid being caught on camera. No such look. So here I am; fat, hot, sweaty.

That's me on the left, in the "slimming" black t-shirt. Who am I foolin? I don't know why my thighs look so freakin big! They're not. I guess it's a bad angle. Or maybe I'm delusional.

I had planned on starting the South Beach Diet today anyway because I figured I needed something to jump start my weight loss. But seeing this picture on Facebook (which I untagged cause I don't want anyone looking at it) has renewed my vigor. I can't go through the rest of my life looking like this and be happy with it. I'm not happy with it! I will be turning 40 in two years. I want to be 40 and FABULOUS. Not 40 and FAT! I am 5'1" and I weigh over 200lbs. GAH! I can't believe I just spilled the beans on my weight. *sigh* But I needed to acknowledge the number so that I can now move away from it. 

So can I get back to this? When I was 20 lbs lighter almost two years ago? I still had some semblance of a waist. That's what I miss the most. I had awesome abs and toned thighs. I want them back!

Or this? When I was 120 and had actual muscles and definition?

My first goal is to get to picture number one. It's about baby steps; setting small goals so that you don't get discouraged.

My goal for this week: Workout 3 times this week. Doesn't mean I'm actually going to the gym. The weather is going to be beautiful this week - high 70s. So I will be taking some, if not all, my walks outside. I still need to incorporate strength training because building muscle helps rev up your metabolism.

I do want to get back to running. I'm hoping once I've lost the first 10 - 15 pounds I can get back to it.

I will be tracking my progress. I need to hold myself accountable. So I'm going to start posting updates every Monday about how the previous week went.

Wish me luck!